27299807I’ve had my share of embarrassing moments, and most of them include falling in front of people. However, my clumsiness is something that I’ve had to get used to, so completely biting it on the way off an escalator doesn’t make me want to curl up and die, not like I wanted to last week. Enough babble, here’s my story:

Vegas is full of freaks—this is not new to anyone who’s spent any amount of time here. I live on the Strip in a high-rise called Sky condos, so the crazy parade is on blast everyday in this building. I’ve seen legit pimps in full-length mink coats and gold “grills”, emaciated crack hoes withdrawing in the elevator, and roid-raging muscle men in the weight room. Ok, that may have been exaggerated a little, but I do valet my Honda accord next to a dude’s two Hummers (he couldn’t decide which color to buy, so he bought two).

And then, there are these two BFF’s with fake lips, fake boobs, and fake… BUTTS!

Yep, that’s right. They have butt implants. When I start to tell this story, lots of people are like, “Some girls just have really big asses you know. You sure they aren’t real?”

Ef yeah I’m sure!

It’s nothing like I’ve ever seen before. People talk about asses that are big enough to set a drink on… haha, I think they are talking about these two gals cuz their booties look like a shelf—I could display my entire Twilight series on one of them! Yeah, I said it, I like Twilight.

So naturally, I feel that it’s my duty to let the world know about this phenomenon of fake butts. I mean, I just don’t think that the general public is aware that women can actually buy implants and put them in their butt. Damn JLo, Beyonce, and Kim Kardashian with their ass-tastic behinds!! They are influencing the youth of America. Forget about Eminem, the FDA should take up cause with these ladies! (I’m joking btw)

In an attempt to do my civic duty of informing the rest of the world, I go down in flames in my most embarrassing moment EVER….

So, I’m walking to the elevator on the street level of my condo. Behind me, I hear two ladies’ voices. All I can hear is an all too frequent use of the words, “Like, Seriously, Like, OMG!” I turn around, and I see it, er them, er their ass-es. The girls are both around 5-6 with long hair. One is brunette and the other is fake blonde. At first glance, both are pretty girls by any standard. It’s just their ASSES.

I get a great idea to take a picture of the blonde girl’s booty because she was wearing a tight dress, perfectly showcasing the bouncy silicone. I’m thinking, “This will be great, now people will know what I’m talking about.”

I turn my iphone on vibrate, knowing that the camera noise won’t go off now. My elevator is full of mirrors so I back up against the wall, hoping that the display on my phone isn’t being reflected. I aim, and snap! Yes! I got that money shot.

Then suddenly the brunette turns around and says, “Did you just take a picture of her ass?”

OMG!!!!!!!! FML!!!!!! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! Efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.


“No, umm I was just, it’s just, I, umm yes. Yes, I did. I’m soooooooo sorry” (quick, quick, think of a recovery)

The blond girl turns around and says, “Really?” in a sweet voice. “Can I see it?”

“Sure, I’ll delete it. R-right now. I’m so sorry.” (COME ON KRISTY, THINK!) Honestly, at this point, I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. This can’t be happening. This is so mortifying I can’t even think straight.

“Let me see it. You know, you could have just asked,” the blond girl said.

“Don’t talk to that bitch,” snapped the brunette.

I’m cornered in the elevator with these two fake butt girls, and I’m caught! Worst ever! And, in the midst of this conversation, we all miss our stops and have to ride the elevator all the way back down. NOooo!!!

“You’re right I’m so sorry,” (Idea hits me— flatter, flatter, flatter) “It’s just that my roommate always said that you had the nicest ass he’s ever seen. I didn’t believe him until I saw it. I just wanted to take a picture.”

Blondie softens up, “Is it a male or female?”


She pushes her floor number after we hit the lobby. We start on our way back up.

“Just ask next time.”

Gulp, “Ok.”

We ride in awkward silence to their floor. The moment they get out of the elevator, I hear them say bitch a few times. The second the door closes, I collapse- absolutely Mortified!!!!

Then, I just started to feel really bad. Have I really turned into a girl who takes a picture of girl’s fake butts? Yes, I was that girl. But then, I started to think… well, they did get fake asses, which means, they probably want/expect people to look at it. RIGHT?
Ugh, I still stop and think about what it was that has made these girls so insecure that they went out, and paid for someone to put implants in their tushees, and it makes me sad. However, for the sake of the story, I’ll stick to the hilarious fact that I got freaking got caught taking a picture on my camera phone of a girl’s booty like a creeper.

After this happened, I busted into the condo and told Andrew and Tony (his brother, my roomate) the story. Then Tony told me he already had pictures of the blond girl from the club… FML.

BTW, my heart stops every time I pass their floor on the elevator. It sucks.

Lessons Learned
-Implants in butts are real
-don’t take pictures of girls’ butts
-if you do take pictures of girls’ butts, make sure there isn’t a fucking mirror behind you

<3 Kris