Once upon a time, on December 30, 1975, a beautiful baby boy was born named Tiger Woods. The dang kid was a quarter Chinese, a quarter black, an eighth Native American, and an eighth Dutch– an overachiever from the start.
By the time he was two-years-old, he was famous for his golfing skills and cute as a freakin’ button — making all the other boy babies jealous, and all the single babies hollaaaa. Throughout his adolescent and teenage years, Tiger was a training machine, reaching the heights of talent that can only be achieved with die-hard dedication. In 1994, Tiger attended Stanford University and of course, competed on the golf team. Majoring in Economics, his teammates nicknamed him “Urkel.” Two years later, he left college to become a professional, and started pulling Grade-A Punani — who’s calling Tiger Urkel now?? SNAP!
He set the professional golf circuit on fire, and turned heads with his “unique” look. His Wikipedia page even credits him for expanding golf viewer ship as he was the first “non-white” person to win a Masters. Black, Asian, and Native American people were represented — all rolled up into one package, like a multicultural fruit roll up– yummy, yet inclusive. There were reports that the violence between blacks and asians decreased that first year… no wait, that’s not true, but Tiger gave people hope. No, no that’s not entirely true either, but still, he was the shit. Since turning pro, Tiger has won fourteen professional major golf championships, and is the youngest player to achieve the career Grand Slam. Through passage of time, and accruing of major titles, the name Tiger Woods became synonymous with golf greatness.
In 2004, Tiger was married to Swedish model Elin Nordegren. The hot blond-hair blue-eyed gal crushed the dreams of ladies around the world who hoped for the chance to be ravaged by the golf superstar — which turns out that if they lived in Vegas and worked at a club, they still had a fighting chance. We’ll get to that in a second… The couple had two children, and from the outside, it all looked picture perfect.
Tiger had molded an impeccable image for himself. He’d risen to the top, and was named 2008′s Highest paid professional athlete. Tiger was a sports billionaire. He was a golf phenomenon, a loving family man, a selfless philanthropist, and a do-gooder with a bright Crest-worthy smile who always remembered to tuck in his shirt. Then — Diarrhea hit the fan (“shit” didn’t seem to do the situation justice.)
Here’s what happened in a nutshell (obviously some sarcasm and speculation included. Don’t hate, I’m not a real journalist):
Elin suspected Tiger was having an affair. Tiger was all, “Psh no way, but I’m leaving the house, even though I’m not guilty.” He gets into his everyday car – the Escalade, and drives off all “OJ” style.
Elin tries to get it him to stop so she swings a Nike (word up to his sponsors) golf club into the back windshield which makes him crash into a fire hydrant. He gets out and is like, “Nice swing, good form, you really hit your target, but FUCK! You really effed up my ride.” (No that didn’t really happen. I’m pretty sure he was a little discombobulated, and the neighbors called the cops)
Word hit the always credible TMZ news outlet that Tiger told a friend that his wife had “gone ghetto” and that he needed to go to Zales and buy the “Kobe Special.” (A $4 Million-Sorry-I-banged-someone-else Ring) They ran with the story and found out that the woman he was suspected to have had an affair with was Rachel Uchitel. She got tons of press and all his other broads, hoes, mistresses, ladies with whom he had relations with were all, “That’s not fair! I slept with him too!”
Uchitel was scheduled to admit her affair with Tiger in a press conference, but it was canceled last minute. Apparently her confession had a price tag.
Jamie Grubbs, a reality tv-star who took her boyfriend at the time on MTV’s Tool Academy, however, couldn’t wait to share embarrassing details – including sexts (sexy text messages).
“I will wear you out…when was the last time you got (bleeped)?”
“Send me something very naughty…Go to the bathroom and take (a picture).”
Grubbs also released a voicemail of Tiger pleading with her to change her voice message to say a number instead of a name because his wife found her phone number in his phone.
Since then other women, including Jamie Jungers, a Las Vegas model and Kalika Moquin, a Vegas night-club promoter, have come out of the woodwork and admitted to have sexual relations with Tiger.
Most recently, it’s been reported that he and his wife have been in negotiations. He allegedly offered Elin $80 million to stay with him for six years.
For a more detailed, and reputable source, here’s a time line of the Tiger Woods Saga from the Huffington Post.
So where does The Tiger go from here? He’s got a few choices, and so far, it looks as though he was wants to “work” on his marriage — well, $80 million worth of it!! I’m kidding, kinda. It’s tough because no one knows what it’s like to be him, and it’s hard to look at the situation and not judge.
Maybe he’s a sex-addict, and maybe he’s got issues that have stemmed from a stunted childhood… or maybe he’s just an a-hole who needs to be on Jamiee Grubb’s show of choice the Tool Academy.
Everyone has a different take on the institution of marriage, including my friend Shawn Green which you can read about on his blog. It seems as though it has become less sacred over the years. Personally, I’m excited to get married and am lucky to be engaged to the most honest man I’ve ever met.
I started this blog off as written in a fairy tale style because in the public’s eye, Tiger’s life seemed so similar to a modern-day version of one. He had the world at his fingertips, and unfortunately for him, it will never be the same. Though I’ll never look at him with the same adoration I once did, I do still hope that he learns, finds peace, and has his own fairytale ending… his story undoubtedly will just have a little more scandal in it…